Well I've been in line for stepmotherly sainthood this week and the kid's not even here!
A few months ago, I actually had a chat with the BM that didn't involve abuse being thrown in my general direction. BM mentioned their holiday (that they are on now) and could we give SD a bit of spending money for it. Guardedly, I said with my sweetest smile, that I would ask DP but I was sure it wouldn't be a problem.
It came to the trip, and DP and I were skint. DP had manky leg which required prescriptions. Prescriptions cost buckaroos. We had none spare for SD, because we were only just able to scrape through until my payday.
Come payday, I had a moral dilemma. I had money. DP didn't. There was still an opportunity to get money to SD, because Her Supreme Chavviness wasn't joining SD, her cousin and grandparents until this weekend just gone. DP didn't ask me to part with any cash for SD, and I respected the fact that he didn't ask me to, because (repeat after me) not my DNA, not my problem, not my financial responsibility.
So little Devil Steppie sits there on my shoulder. No, this isn't your responsibility to do. She isn't your kid. She gets enough stuff as it is, not having money to spend on souvenir tat isn't a big deal. And why should we provide that money, after all BM doesn't if she comes on holiday with us. If she takes SD on holiday she's responsible for the cost, not us. Shit happens, on this occasion we couldn't afford it.
And then annoying little Angel Steppie pipes up on the other shoulder. SD would appreciate it. And they are probably telling SD right now how mean we are, not being able to give her anything for her holiday. I know DP doesn't feel great about her not having any money, and he would appreciate it too. Just because I hate BM doesn't mean I should not give SD something, right? And surely, acting with compassion and kindness would be better than shrugging my shoulders and going "tough, not my problem". Is that the kind of person you wanna be, Wicked Steppie? Really?
So I drove to the witch's lair on my lunch break and dropped off a tenner in an envelope with a brief note. Pretty damn near crapping myself when I pulled up at the house, so imagine how I felt when I couldn't get the sodding envelope through the letterbox! I heard someone inside, either BM or her partner, shouting and swearing at the dog to get out of the way and thought shit, shit, shit, she's about to open the door....but I was saved by some houseguests who turned up at BM's door and offered to hand it to her. I have never got out of anywhere so fast, drove my Citroen Saxo like Lewis Hamilton out of that street!
When I told DP, to be frank he wasn't really that impressed....though I tell myself I didn't do it for the credit, it would have been nice for DP to acknowledge a kind gesture, and - here's the key bit - SOMETHING I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO. I guess he'd give his little girl the moon and stars if he could, so he's not gonna be that impressed by a tenner is he...but hey, I got a nice Wicked Steppie glow, and no it wasn't the reflection of the fires of hell for once. I felt.....better inside. Better than I would have done had I gone with my first gut reaction. Not giving the money would have had only one outcome - a disappointed SD and provided ammo for the BM to use against us. Whereas giving the money - well, there is always a chance that it could have a good outcome, even though I know that BM will be BM.
Just goes to show that sometimes it's our own inner demons that are the hardest, and there are many times that I've allowed them to take over and prevent me acting in the manner that I would prefer. Self protection and preservation sometimes takes over, and those are necessary things, because we naturally put the barriers up when we sense a situation is threatening to us. But those barriers can sometimes make me act in a way that's more wicked than Wicked, and it felt good to smash them down for a change. Sometimes the same old tired ways we act carry on having the same old tired results, and it's time to shake things up a bit. So, am I on the way to the pearly gates yet? Hmmm, the jury's out on that one, and I'm still quite attached to my hand-painted hell-bound handcart, so I don't think I've turned on the road to steppie sainthood....just slowed down a bit to watch the scenery on the way!