Sometimes, as I've said before on this blog, kid-free time can have it's downsides for me. The downside is that I like it far too much, and get far too used to DP and I ticking along nicely in our own way. When I think of the inevitable return to normality, I panic a bit.
I admitted today to DP that I like having a break from it. He wasn't particularly happy about that fact, because of course, if he had the choice, he'd NEVER take a break and have SD 24/7 (though I suspect once that reality hit he'd actually be craving a night off after a week). I get one on one time with DP, without a slightly jealous kid trying to hang off his arm all the time. I get to make the food I like, and don't have to cater for the tastes of a ten year old who seemingly doesn't like rather a lot of stuff that I do and has a penchant for all things fried and processed. DP and I can laze in bed in the morning and cuddle, without him having to rush out of bed so he crams in all the paltry time he can with his kid on a weekend. We get to have adult chats and not have to censor what we say in case little ears put two and two together and make five, and then rush off to tell the BM. I feel closer to DP, simply because I'm not always conscious that there is someone who has a greater claim on him during this time.
But I cannot like these things and be open and honest about liking them, because by liking these things, it means by default, I like kid-time less. And yes, that is probably what I'm saying - strike me down if you like, but I prefer having my man to myself. Yes, I'm a bitch today.
I'm not saying that kid time is all bad. It can be fun. When SD's in a good mood she can be very good company, she's not often bratty, and I do consider myself lucky that in general I've been pretty well accepted, barring the usual female territoriality issues you get with girls and their daddies. But when I get out of kid-mode, I get out of it big time, and find it hard to then get back into the rhythm of it.
The other thing I find REALLY tough is letting BM into the house. Metaphorically speaking I mean - hell would have to freeze over a thousand times before BM would cross my threshold! But through SD, BM finds out about how we live our lives, what we do together, what we say, what our opinions are. And through SD I get to find out more than I ever wanted to about this crass woman. Call me a snob, but BM's not the sort I'd have associated with in a gazillion years, and I really have no interest in her menagerie of skanky animals, what dodgy schemes she cooks up, how big the carrots on her allotment are compared to ours, or how she drives all wonky after she's smoked joints. But I can't tell SD not to talk about her mother. My own SM, I know, found this very difficult, potentially being judged by a person she didn't even really know or give a shit about. It was an area where she felt a great lack of control, which is part of why the SM gig is so tough, because there is so much stuff you have absolutely zero control over. And that's the crux of why the kid weekends are so hard - because like periods, they happen whether you want them to or not!