Friday, 28 August 2009

The Binbag Kid

SD turned up this weekend with 2 binbags full of clothes that have gone from ours to BM's over the last few months. BM's latest edict is that SD is to come back in exactly the clothes she came to us in from BM, and that none of her clothes are to stay at ours, and none of our clothes are to go to hers, apart from school uniform.

Well, I guess this means that less of SD's half decent stuff will get chewed up by BM's feral dogs, and we have an excuse to offload all the horrid chavvy "Golddigga" stuff back to BM.

I just felt so sorry for her when I saw her dragging the binbag of clothing in from the car. She looked so unhappy - all her stuff in there, basically any reminder that SD has a life with us has been ejected from BM's house, and the two lives forced to be completely separate. And of course, the whole life-in-a-binbag is a big sign from the BM that she thinks that her daughter's life here is trash that she wishes she could just throw away for good.

She mentions her mother cautiously now, looking for any sign from us that we are going to reciprocate the trench warfare that BM is now engaged in. But we will not. We sympathised when SD told us BM's beloved car had been stolen (although secretly thinking, boy, aint Karma a bitch) and that as a result, she hadn't been able to get to her allotment to care for her chickens and had had to give them away. We let her talk about what she's been doing all week. What kind of life would it be for her if she wasn't allowed to do this and she was constantly having to watch herself in case some reference to Mum slipped out? We could not do this to her. Much as I have a thorough distaste for the woman, BM is still SD's mother, and she won't get another one of those. I just hope that we will do enough to show her that just because one side decides to play dirty, doesn't mean that the other immediately has to follow suit.

BM and the Hatchet Face are now on permanent alert for any minor transgressions from us, and they are upping the ante with all these rules so much now that they are making it more and more likely that something will go wrong - will SD come home in a pair of socks that aren't from BM's? She won't have put the wrong pair of socks on by mistake of course, this will be us trying to get one over on them, us DELIBERATELY waging sock-war, we will of course have thrown her rightful pair of socks away, or something of the kind, and sent her back in these just to spite them. Sure, because we don't have full time jobs to worry about or anything, we just spend all our time thinking up elaborate plans to one-up the BM....

See this is the trouble. Because they care so much about this stuff, they automatically think that we do, and that we will be keen to engage in this charade of subterfuge and skirmish. They could not actually conceive that all we wish for is for SD to be able to move freely between the two homes, love both parents and both sets of step-parents, without remorse or guilt, and for everyone to, if not get on with one another, at least be able to show some degree of civility. If we ever express these sentiments, it is not seen as being genuine, but some kind of game-plan or strategy. But this is a CHILD'S LIFE that is being played with as though it is some kind of war-game! SD is not a pawn, she is not a trump card, she is not the spoils of battle - she is a human being. Why is it that the one person who professes to love her more, and better than everyone else in her life, is the one person who cannot see how much she is hurting, and thinks it's OK to stand her child on the street in the rain surrounded by binbags to wait for her father to pick her up.


  1. This is just so heartbreaking to hear that girl having to go through this. It's just not right. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. - G

  2. Such a rotten thing to put a child thru. It's sad to hear that she looks to see if you're going to react when she mentions her mom's name. You know that means that mom must throw a good fit if she mentions you or dad when you're there.

    Did you even hear anything else about children's services?

  3. Amy, her mum won't let her mention us at all - our names are banned in her house. It's awful. DP called childrens services this week and they have said the case worker who is assigned will call him back next week.

  4. Unfortunately, this is such a common story - not just in Losersville, but in dead-beat-boring-middle-class divorces too. The father of my children has said to them that they are not to mention me when his new partner is there, and to me - that if I contact him they will take it out on the children. Hmmm so much for inviting him for the school play hey...

    I know being step parents can REALLY suck, but at the end of the day, if it gets too much, and life is no longer even remotely fun, you CAN get out. That is simply not an option in the BIO-handbook. Well, I didn't think it was, but the truly WICKED Steppie my children have, has actually convinced the weak pot of puss that my ex-husband is, that that IS an option. So now the oldest is no longer allowed there, now IF she drops by to pick something up or say hi to her new little-brother, the steppie does not awknowledge her presence. Not even a Hello.

    I can tell you, being at the other end of that stick, trying to protect your child from long term confidence damage from that - is NO fun.

    And all she did, my daughter, was to ask her dad if they every now and again could do something alone together, ie go to the movies or something.

    hmmm what I am trying to say is that divorce sucks all round for kids, and all we can do is try to help them get over it and into adulthood, fairly unharmed. But it's not easy. Of course the SD should be allowed to tell about her week and mention her mum, and all that. But pretending that everything is alright and that the BM is the only one frustrated, is also a dangerous path. Most kids are not that naive... they feel it in their bones. So my advice is a happy medium and constant reality checks.

    Most hateful exes will try and change history backwards and the real losers here are the children that start doubting what was really real and what wasn't.

    I spend SO much time reaffirming past episodes and future hopes for the kids. YES I loved him when we married (YEAH RIGHT - I must have been plonkers, why is it people just don't listen to their guts when they tell them GET OUT...........), OF course I would LOVE to be friends with your dad, all I want is us to function and YOU kids to be happy (I deeply mean that!), NO I never said I didn't want you, NO of course I will not prevent you seing him, NO I am not begging him for money (JUST ASKING him to pay what the state tells him too) etc. etc.

    Hmmm don't know if all this makes sense, but man, I obviously needed to get it out of my sytem.


  5. Aww poor kid. The Kid used to be the same way about talking about his mom, but we really don't care if he does. She's an important part of his life and we are glad to hear stories of their adventures, without fishing for details or trying to get clues etc. He is so comfortable talking about her, and we're comfortable hearing it, and that's a real blessing to him. You guys are definitely doing the best thing for sd by taking the high road.
    Good on ya!

  6. Wowser, that's sad. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and handled everything brilliantly. It was always so normal. I'm a lucky girl. A bin bag??

  7. does the BM or your SD read your blog? If so that could be a source of hostility for her. It'd be like sticking it to her by public humiliation. As someone who sees both sides as a BM and a SM, I know as a BM how heartbreaking it is to have to split your childs time up and see them being cared for by another woman. As a SM, I can relate to BM but empathize for the kids and my husband. i know when you're in the middle of everything it is hard to see it from everyones point of view adn by the sound sof it BM cant, but try to take a step back and understand everyones hurt in the situation. I agree she is doing more damage to her daughter than good - but remember anger is just hurt amplified. I know from experience, its an adjustment no BM wants and usually fights against, until they come to their own exhausting conclusion and wave their white flag. Been there, done that.